Why is it that the only time a guy wants anything to do with me is when they’re drunk, horny, or lonely? Am I that pathetic and undesirable otherwise?
And no, it wasn’t who anybody might think it was. I feel like I’m going to be sick.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Welcome to where you are.
Don’t you see the stars shining above?
Breathe in the space between our lives.
We’ve been here before.
Me living in a future that will never be,
And you, promising to hold me tight
As you say again that you’re my friend.
That night you let loose from salty lips
That you almost kissed me,
With your arm around me,
Our bodies warm to the touch,
Heartbeats in sync,
But something stopped you.
Was it that my brother would step outside
And our secret would be no longer?
Or was it the fear that suddenly I
Wouldn’t be the only one falling from a high?
That same night on the phone
You told me I had nice boobs.
Well, at least I have that going for me.
Am I the only one that’s touched you in that way?
Yes! Yes, you’re the only one
The only one who’s given me goose bumps,
Sent shivers down my spine, with just a touch.
Run your fingers down my back.
Kiss my neck,
Nibble my ears,
One more time.
Yes, you’re the only one
Who’s bitten my lips,
Caressed my nice boobs,
Made me wish away my life.
Do you know that you could still have me if you wanted?
That you’re still capable of breaking me?
It’s only fear, darling.
Processing lots of things right now.
Relationships are hard sometimes. Don’t want to be alone but desperate isn’t the right word. Need to find a job and save money and get the hell out of here. Taking a break from too many people unless music is involved. Drowning myself in music and sunshine.
So, Ian has a date tomorrow with a woman in Moscow who’s not me. Maybe a little bit upset right now. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes too high.
We are standing in line outside of something
often rebuked, yet always back returning.
I heard laughter and forgotten consonants,
its unrelenting memories of happiness
but inward grows a soberness, an awe.
Poverty gnashing its teeth like a blind cat at their lives.
Oh mother, mother, where is happiness?
Thank you for the note and for not giving up even when I’m pushing really hard. I don’t know why I push people away (or try to) but I definitely do. I think I do it so as not to get hurt or hurt others but that’s exactly what I end up doing. I’m definitely a crazyface and easily overwhelmed and just so up and down that I don’t know how to control my feels sometimes. I guess I’m just sort of…I just am. Everyday I wake up and am grateful for the sheer amount of incredible people in my life at the same time I’m pushing them away. I don’t know. All this rambling to say that I’m sorry and thank you and please be patient because I have no idea what the hell I’m doing or where I’m supposed to be or where I’m going and especially not why.
Write about how you’re afraid to let anybody in, afraid to let anybody too close, and so you push people away because you’re afraid of yourself and how you don’t want to be a burden or cause any trouble or extra work.
Write about how there was a note from a friend on the doorstep when you finally dragged yourself out of bed and the house but you haven’t read it yet because you’re scared of what she has to say; not because she’ll walk away but because she won’t and you’ve been a horrible friend and a terrible person lately. People don’t deserve this.
Write about how two different men have your heart and you can’t just walk away. How you’re afraid Nik will pick up the bottle again soon but hasn’t yet because you asked him last night/this morning and he can’t lie to you. Write about how Ian is moving back to town and how it just feels right but you’re scared because you know he loves you but does he LOVE you? And about how you’re not the only one he’s talking to or has expressed interest in.
Write about how it’s so easy to fall and so hard to pick yourself back up.
New life goal: Learn how to play the guitar. My left hand be damned.
P.S. I have been especially horrible at expressing it lately but you are the best friends a lady could ever ask for
Thunderstorm? Yes, please! And the bigger the better!